


according to your heart, my place is not deliberate

by biggayhighway



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:48:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26713246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biggayhighway/pseuds/biggayhighway
Summary: He climbs under the cover wordlessly, sitting up and paralleling Ben. His hands fall into his lap. He doesn't even know where to start. Certainly not with the truth. He wants to tell Ben so badly, because they made that promise to each other, no more secrets, no more lies. But the truth would break Ben right now, Callum thinks. He's still riding the high of escaping being charged, even if he had nothing to do with it actually getting dropped. Callum doesn't have the heart to bring up the real reason.-A coda fic for the ep that aired on 28/09/20
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 6
Kudos: 53





	according to your heart, my place is not deliberate

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy!!
> 
> title from 'fallingforyou' by the 1975

"Took your time."

Callum looks up from where his gaze has landed on the floor of Ben's bedroom. He's leant up against the doorframe, wood pressing into his arm, glass in his hand, but his mind is racing. He'd thought Ben would have been asleep by now. He's been sleeping so much easier now that his hearing is back. Less nightmares. Callum has wondered briefly if him moving in has helped too, but he isn't sure if he can give himself credit for that. 

They've been walking on eggshells the whole day and Callum hates it. It only reminds him of Christmas, the build up to the mess that was their temporary break up. Sometimes his chest hurts still if he thinks too much about it. The last thing he wants is a repeat of all that. Not when he's confessed to Phil, confessed to _himself_ finally that Ben is it for him. Ben is his everything, the centre of his universe. 

He hates when they argue, which is why he tries to avoid it at all costs. It's usually easy, because they think on the same wavelength more often than not. But still things come to a head sometimes and it's always to do with Phil. Always. Callum wishes he would just go away and not come back sometimes, but now that they're living under the same roof, he supposes he has a little adjusting to do. 

He'd been out for the remainder of the afternoon, going for a drink, sorting through the flat again just in case he missed something when he knows that he didn't, and that even if he did it's not a huge deal because it's literally down the road from Phil's. Stuart had kept him occupied with frantic rambling about the wedding. It had kept his mind off everything for a while, the argument, the job, the _car crash_. It had been a way to pass the time until Ben had texted him in the evening and asked if he was coming home.

_Home._

"Yeah," Callum starts, and he isn't sure if he should elaborate on his absence. He had expected to crawl into bed, pull Ben's sleeping form towards him and then let his mind run rapid until he passed out from exhaustion. He hadn't expected Ben to wait for him. He doesn't know if Ben has taken the transmitter for his implant out yet either, doesn't recall him doing so when they were both getting ready to sleep. He doesn't even know if Ben can hear him.

"Can you-"

"I can hear ya," Ben supplies. He knows Callum so well. Ben sits up, leaning against the headboard. Callum can't look at him. He looks so worried all of a sudden and it's the worst thing in the world. Callum doesn't ever want Ben worrying about anything. "Are we going to talk about this?"

Callum crosses the room, placing the glass on his bedside table. _His_. It still feels weird. He's not used to moving in somewhere with someone. The last time he'd moved in with someone was with Whitney, but that had been new for both of them and they had been by themselves. Suddenly Callum is surrounded by people and he can't even go to get a glass of water before bed like he does every night without getting roped into conversations with his boyfriend's dad about dodgy shit he'd rather avoid. He doesn't know how Ben has lasted so long. 

At least he has Ben. It feels good. They're not shuffling back and forth between places now, not waking up in one place and searching for clothes they've left at the other. Everything is in one place, or it will be, when Callum finishes unpacking all his boxes this weekend. Even that depends if he has the time though. If he isn't being pulled in every direction by people he doesn't even know whether or not to trust. 

He climbs under the cover wordlessly, sitting up and paralleling Ben. His hands fall into his lap. He doesn't even know where to start. Certainly not with the truth. He wants to tell Ben so badly, because they made that promise to each other, no more secrets, no more lies. But the truth would break Ben right now, Callum thinks. He's still riding the high of escaping being charged, even if he had nothing to do with it actually getting dropped. Callum doesn't have the heart to bring up the real reason.

The room is dark because the curtains are drawn but Callum can see Ben's eyebrows raise, leaning forward. He's trying to get Callum to say something. The straggling rays from the setting sun are lighting him in just the right way. Callum pulls his knees up to his chest, tugging the duvet up with him. This is what today was meant to be. A day off for both of them, before whatever tomorrow will bring. Ben had looked him in the eyes and told him that morning that they would spend the day in bed, and that he'd listen to whatever Callum had to say. He'd promised that he'd look after him. But there they are, on eggshells again.

"I know you want what's best for me," Callum starts. "I love you for it, but _this_ is what's best for me, Ben." 

He wants to protect Ben. He needs to protect Ben. He doesn't care that much about everyone else. 

"I just really don't think you've thought about this," Ben replies softly. Callum appreciates that he isn't shouting. They've moved past that now, and Callum really couldn't be more thankful. "You're ruining your career, Callum."

"I want to be a good copper, Ben. I really do-"

"Ain't no such thing as a _good copper_ , babe," Ben interrupts with his classic soft grin that makes his eyes all squinty. Callum loves it, loves looking at Ben. He knows he could probably watch Ben for hours and it'd absolutely be the best use of his time.

He leans to the side and kisses Ben on the side of his mouth. Ben lets out a small hum. It's nice to be connected intimately again.

"You know what I mean. I wanted this to be legit, I wanted to work my way up and stay out of any trouble with my boss." 

"Bit hard when your boyfriend and his dad are both wanted criminals, huh?" Ben chuckles softly. His hand comes up to cup Callum's face. Callum leans into it, tilting his head to trap the hand against his shoulder for a moment. "You are a good copper." 

"I ain't." 

"Yes you are. You're trying your best and you're looking after your own. It's just this, I don't think this is the right idea if you want to _keep_ being a good copper. This is like- dirty cop 101."

"It's not supposed to be like this." 

Ben furrows his eyebrows and shuffles closer. Callum unfurls one arm from clutching his legs and grabs at Ben's thigh, pulling him closer still.

"I didn't think it would be this fucking _stressful_ , Ben. I- I thought I'd be helping people and I knew it wouldn't be easy but this is just- it's so hard. I want to be good, I don't want to do this, I don't want to choose."

"It's not too late to go back. Not too late to tell my Dad you don't want to do it."

Callum shakes his head. He wants to explain more than anything. He wants to reveal this whole ploy, he doesn't want to get tangled up in these lies and plots anymore. He doesn't want to be a mole, but if he backs out, Ben will go down. He has to protect his family. Ben is his family. Ben is his everything.

"I have to do this, Ben. It's not- it doesn't matter about my future in the police or- or getting my hands dirty. You're my future. You are. I don't care about anything else but this is what I want. Right now."

"Hey." Ben speaks so softly that Callum has to look at him. Ben's soft voice is still so unusual to him, and it hardly ever comes out. It's so gentle, so quiet, barely audible but still enough to make your chest warm entirely. Callum loves it. 

Ben holds his hand out, palm facing Callum and fingers ever so slightly bent, relaxed. Callum knows what to do, he always knows, and he slots his fingers in between Ben's, presses their palms together. Ben holds his hand tightly, and Callum watches their hands, conjoined. 

"I'm with you, no matter what," Ben states. His other hand reaches forward and lifts Callum's head up just a little. Their eyes find each other in the low light. "No matter what," Ben reinforces, squeezing Callum's hand. He takes a deep breath and Callum can almost hear him thinking, mulling over his next words, coming to his conclusion. "I won't ever love you any less. You are so good, Callum. I promise you- and- and I trust you. So much." 

Callum thinks he's about to cry. He doesn't know if it's the stress of the last couple of days, the constant veering towards panic in the face of Phil Mitchell and DI Thompson before just about managing to pull away. It's probably everything, moving in, being somewhere new, worrying that he's taking up too much space and that Ben will kick him out unexpectedly, even though he knows that logically that would never happen. The job, the blackmail, being the mole, the crimes he knows he's committing when he's supposed to be the local good guy. Instead he's let himself get roped into the kind of stuff he'd tried to shift Ben away from. 

And the crash. Callum can't stop _thinking_ about it. It's always there at the back of his mind. He doesn't care if going out to calls like that gets easier, if it hurts a bit less every time, because he doesn't think he could do that again. Not whilst the entire time he was stood there, sirens in the background, all he could think about was Chris. He's always there, Callum thinks about him all the time, especially now with him having to move all his things. Callum hasn't been able to bring himself to read the letters yet, but he knows which box they're in. Now, he thinks it'll be awhile before he can even touch that box.

He's safe. Phil's room is on the other side of the landing, and he's pretty sure the three of them are the only ones at home currently. No one will know his vulnerability but Ben. No one else gets to see that. No one else has, and Callum reckons no one else ever will. 

"I'm sorry," Callum gasps, and then the waterworks start and he can't even try to slow them down. He's pulling away from Ben, wiping his damp cheeks with damp palms. He can't see Ben anymore, it's just watery streaks, lighter patches where the high points of Ben's face lie. He can't focus at all on trying to piece together this blurry jigsaw. "I should have told you, I should have said something but I didn't know what you'd say- or- or what you'd think and I-"

There are suddenly two hands on either side of his neck.

"You're okay," he hears. He believes that voice. He trusts that voice completely. That voice is what wakes him up in the morning and helps him sleep at night because sometimes Ben just can't be quiet, no matter how many times Callum has to lean over to kiss him firmly on the mouth. He wonders if Ben mutters pointlessly in the dark of night just to get Callum to kiss him, when they both know he could just ask. He can always just ask, no matter what. 

And Callum knows he's okay. This isn't the end of the world and he's felt more troubled before, been more conflicted about bigger decisions, but it feels like every single thing he's been trying to keep balanced has toppled down, and as stupid as it is, Callum fears that Ben is going to crawl out of the rubble of all his problems and then decide he doesn't want to stick around anymore. Doesn't want to help Callum build his castle back up again. But he feels better. Every time they promise each other that they aren't leaving, their foundation gets a little stronger, their grip on each other a little tighter.

Callum stretches out his legs. He leans to the side and wraps his arms around Ben's waist. He holds on tight, pushing his face into the side of Ben's neck. Callum wishes they could have this forever. Nothing but darkness, nothing but each other.

Callum pulls away, needing to suck in a proper breath of air. His chest hurts a bit too much. Ben's hands move up and brush the tears off of Callum's cheeks, push the tears away from his waterline so that his vision clears. He relaxes a little until he spots that Ben's eyes are glossy too. They're shinier than usual in the warm light. 

"Why are you crying?" Callum croaks quietly. Their faces are still close together. Callum squeezes where his hands are clutching Ben's sides.

"I hate seeing you sad," Ben replies equally as gently, and his voice is a little hoarse too. They're so connected. Callum has never been so connected to anyone. 

Ben pulls him closer and then they're pressing foreheads together, and Callum can't help but smile. He's troubled, yes, and his mind is racing at a thousand miles per hour, but Ben's here with him. They'll come to their conclusion together. 

"Let's try 'nd sleep, okay? It's late and tomorrow is a big day." 

Callum nods, wiping his face with the back of his hand. 

"Yeah, 'm sorry." 

"Stop apologising," Ben replies. He presses a line of short kisses down the curve of Callum's cheekbone. "You don't need to be sorry. I'm the one who should be sorry. Tomorrow, or if not- the day after, we will talk about the crash if you want. I'll listen. I'm sorry this happened at such a bad time."

"It's okay," Callum smiles. He brings his hand up to push through the hair on the back of Ben's head. It's so long now. Callum doesn't mind it. "But I'd like that." 

"I love you," Ben hums with a smile. Callum will never get over him saying that. Not in a hundred years. It'll always ignite this fire in his chest. He hopes Ben feels the same way about him. Deep down, Callum knows that he does.

"And I love you."

Callum knows now for certain that he doesn't have to look anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr- @biggayhighway


End file.
